Friday, March 15, 2013

Painting My Heart

Suddenly I am the mother of a new child. One who is almost 13. One who is so very different from the little boy I knew only 6 months ago. And it is tearing me up inside. Suddenly motherhood is tricky again. I don't say the right things. Ice cream isn't the magic bullet it once was. I have become a bit of an embarrassment.

The last few years of golden happy moments of 8-11 years old... well, the magic is gone.

Everything is still very good. It is just so different. And so confusing.

So I am painting. And crying a little too. Happy for the great kid I've got, but sad for the little boy I will never get back. Oh, I know it is good for him to grow up and to pull away. But wow... this hurts.
So I am painting my heart and all the confusion, the mixture of emotions, and the sense of loss I feel.


I think I will keep painting it out. I need to get ready for child number 2. She's only one year younger, so she'll be tearing my heart out within the year.

I see a lot of paint in my future. And maybe another puppy.



12 comments:

  1. Jenny, I love your heart and the heart you painted!

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  2. Awww...your heart is tender. and beautiful. Just think...in no time at all they'll be bringing home the grandchildren!

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    1. Thank you so much for your understanding words. I just want everything to slow down a little, ya know?!

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  3. Aww, must be very difficult to have him pull away from you, but as you say, it is the law of nature. And if amazing paintings like that one are a result of the change/transformation, than all is not bad. Though I imagine it feels pretty bad to you right now.

    I know a grown man who did not pull away from his mother properly and it isn't a good outcome for either him or the mother in the long run. Be strong my friend, and keep the paint flowing (I know you will) xo

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    1. I will Loulou! I thought about the same thing... would I really want my son to stay love his mommy like he did when he was 8 for the rest of his life? Nope. He's got to move on!

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  4. Gallons of paint and yes, a puppy! Those kisses go on forever. Scary when they go from boy to man time. You will get through it.... xox

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    1. I know I will, but wowser... no idea it would be this hard!

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  5. Oh JENNY!!!! You totally made me tear up.. I want to give you a big BIG hug. The babies always come back- always! I'm 39 and still annoying and hugging my Mom in equal parts. :) The painting is so gorgeous! I read this when you first posted it and it totally attacked me for several hours- Ms Lola is only 3 and a half and I already see her pulling away and I have to remind myself this is the right thing but but BUT- it's so heart rending! I love how you wrote about it here!!!

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    1. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and understanding. I wish you were here to hug! Motherhood is so amazing and wonderful, yet so incredibly hard sometimes, isn't it?

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  6. another puppy :):):) Don't worry Jenny, if you've been close to your son up to now, although he may stray a bit during the teens he'll come back to the comforting place of love and security despite the want for independence. My 25 yr old will still call me often for support, advice and feedback. And of course, I call him over often for tech support:)

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    1. thanks Linda, I feel better already!

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